


Unforgettable

by NotEvenThat



Series: Introspective Magnus Drabbles [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec is Dead, Angst, Future Fic, Hover for translation, M/M, Magnus Bane-centric, Magnus feels guilty for moving on, Magnus reflects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-21 23:43:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10685334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenThat/pseuds/NotEvenThat
Summary: Hundreds of years after the life he shared with Alexander, Magnus realizes that he's moving on.He doesn't know how to deal with that.





	Unforgettable

Magnus could feel himself moving on.

That was the worst part. That was thing that hurt the most. Not that Alexander was gone, but that he was starting to not care.

He woke up in the morning and he pulled down a mug from the shelf, curling up with his coffee, not even realize he hadn’t pulled down two. Not like he use to. Not like he did in the years after Alexander was gone, in the _centuries_ that followed, when he would pull down two mugs and fill them completely before realizing his mistake.

He laid in bed at night and stretched out, blissfully comfortable in the mass expanse that the bed allowed, his limbs stretching to reach every corner of the bed, not even missing the mass that use to lay beside him every night. Not even wanting it.

The thoughts of his lover were less and less everyday. This time he had gone a month without thinking of him. The spell only broken when he opened a drawer, searching for an old spell book he tossed somewhere, only to find Alexander's stele. It was one of the only item of Alexander's that he could bare to take when he moved. So impersonal that he could pretend it was someone else's but so meaningful to his lover that he was comforted anyhow. Even then, he stared for a moment before slamming the drawer shut, so horrified by his own happiness, his own comfort without Alexander, that he could do nothing but walk away.

Alexander was always scared that he was just one of many. When they first started dating he was scared that he was nothing but a number for Magnus. Nothing but parts of another relationship. A kiss that felt too much like a old lover. A smile that reminded Magnus of someone else.

He wasn’t, of course. Magnus had many relationships before Alexander. He had loved many people before him, but none quite as much as him. He had never loved anyone so fiercely and yet, here he was.

Forgetting the smell of Alexander's cologne, the one he would only wear when he was meeting Magnus.  Forgetting the feeling of curling up with him in bed, half drunk on expensive wine and kisses. Forgetting how he looked in the morning. Forgetting how it felt when they kissed goodbye. Forgetting how his corpse felt in Magnus’s arms, still draining of blood, though he was long dead. Forgetting what it felt like to mourn him.

When he and Alec were together, he thought there was no way he could ever forget. He had gone through it before, forgetting his lovers after they’d died but Alexander was different. Their love was different. He thought Alexander was his last love. The last person he would ever be able to open his heart up too, for when Alec left him, he would never be whole again.

But it had been a very long time since he felt that way. He was almost a whole millennium away from the life he and Alexander had shared. Maybe that person did die, the version of Magnus who would have died for his Shadowhunter. Maybe he had, in the end.

Because when the boy at the coffee shop smiled at him, adorably, shyly, Magnus found himself smiling back. When the woman who ran into him, apologized and offered to buy him a drink, Magnus found himself accepting and there was no way the man who refused to leave bed for a month after his lover's death would have done that. There was no way the Magnus who had loved Alexander so much, had forgotten the sound of his voice.

He thought of casting a spell on himself, taking away any last memories he still had of that life, so he could live and stop feeling so guilty every time he realized he was moving on. He thought of going back to his loft in New York and burning every last trace of Alexander, so that someday he could wake up and wondering if Alec was ever real at all. He thought of going to the Clave, burning their files, changing their memories, destroying every last trace of the Lightwoods from history, so that maybe he could get some peace.

And he almost did. He almost did every single one of those a million times over: When he realized he hadn't thought of Alexander in over a year. When he had to stop for a moment and try to remember his name for the first time. When he was sitting alone at night and he just wanted to go back to him or forget him altogether.

He was trapped, torn between the past and the present. Going months and month happy and carefree before breaking down when he remembered who he was leaving behind. Having relationships, where he almost felt that same love again, only to fall apart when he realized he couldn't keep his self made promise to only love Alexander.

They say that it gets easier with time and hopefully that's true because the only peace that Magnus could find was that maybe he would wake up someday and not remember Alexander at all. Not remember any of them. Not remember anything from that first millennium of his life.

Maybe then he could sleep. Maybe then he could move on. Maybe then he could wake up and just live again.

 

Mungkin tidak.

**Author's Note:**

> If you reached then end and you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them! And ah. Sorry for that. Couldn't get it out of my head.


End file.
